Knowing when to take a break and get support

If you're anything like me, you would rather struggle in silence on your own than reach out for help. This post is about how and why I got support for my anxiety and to try and emphasize that reaching out is one of the bravest things you can do! I hope this post resonates with at least one of my lovely readers!

So lets set the scene; as some of you may have already known, I started my second year placement at university in September. If you have read my previous posts you would know that I really struggled during my first year placement and had to re-sit it. Regardless, I went into this second year placement optimistic, intrigued and excited despite previous struggles. Passing my re-sit placement had given me a bit of a confidence boost as I actually got quite a high grade.

The placement started off well, the team were incredibly lovely and welcoming, I cannot fault them at all! However, a few weeks into the placement, it was like I got to a particular point and could not push myself any further. I was happy and confident socialising and building rapport with the patients on the ward but was very nervous and shy around staff - why? I don't know. But this massively impacted my half way marks on the placement. A lot of the placement is about demonstrating your knowledge, thoughts, critical thinking and clinical reasoning and this is something I found very difficult to verbalise. Not because I didn't know the theory or what I was doing, but because I doubted myself so much and was so afraid to say something wrong, "stupid" or embarrass myself. I would just end up saying nothing at all, or just saying the bare minimum/as little as I could get away with. Instead of having to conversate with my educator, I would try and demonstrate my knowledge by doing loads of written pieces of work, as this is something I felt confident with and knew I was good at. I did get very positive feedback on this work, but it was not enough to pull up my marks. Looking back at this, I realise this was definitely an avoidance technique as I thought "If I write about it, I won't have to talk about it but i've still demonstrated my knowledge". Wrong!

So yes, I failed my half way assessment, again! And again I was hoping by some miracle I could scrap a pass mark at this stage and continue to work on my struggle areas for the remainder of the placement I had left. But deep down I knew I was not doing enough. My emotions this time around compared to failing the half way of my first placement were very different. During the first placement I was very upset and felt sorry for myself, this time around I was frustrated. Why is this happening again? Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me? This frustration led to me putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself and essentially burning myself out. I was so adamant that I did not want to fail the whole placement, and yes determination can be a positive emotion but in this case it wasn't. My placement consisted of 13hour shifts with an hour commute. I was doing this on 3hours sleep as I was so stressed and overwhelmed, I could not shut my mind off to go to sleep. The stress worsened my migraines which actually led to me partially losing vision in one eye. I was suffering from chest pains, lack of appetite and an upset stomach. Sounds like fun right! All this was going on and I was still forcing myself to go to placement and try, I did not want to accept defeat. I became extremely teary because I was mentally and physically exhausted. I think on the last 2 weeks I was there, I cried on every shift. The tasks I was being given to do, I wanted to do, but my mind was telling me I couldn't. "You're gonna mess up or sound silly". I definitely have the tendency to down-play what I am going through and how I am feeling, but I got to a point where I physically couldn't hide it anymore and the people around me could tell I wasn't myself.

Eventually my educator and supervisor both vocalised their concerns regarding my wellbeing and suggested I defer the placement and seek support for my mental health in the meantime. Deferring the placement is something I initially really did not want to do, purely because I knew it meant I would not be able to complete my 3rd year without this (for those who don't know I am a 3rd year student, I am just behind on placements due to having to re-sit the first one). The thought of this was devastating to me. What would people think now that I'm going to graduate a year later? How am I going to explain why I have deferred to my friends and family? This is silly why can't I just fix up and get through this placement? I was so embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on as I thought it sounded so pathetic and that no one would understand. But in the end I had to put myself and my wellbeing first. I could have tried to push through the last month of placement but there would have been no guarantee I would have been able to do enough to pass, and more importantly, putting that pressure on myself when I was clearly already really struggling would not have been worth it, what would this have done for my wellbeing? So I decided to defer the placement in the end. And you know what, the people I have spoken to about what has been going have been incredibly understanding and supportive of my decision. They have helped me to realise that it is not embarrassing at all that I've chosen to take some time out of university to work on myself and get my mind right, if anything it's brave and it's a very big, positive step in the right direction. My mind had convinced me that this was the end of the world, that I was failure, that I'm a disappointment, when in reality, no one thinks this. Why? Because it's not true. You are not your thoughts, and you are not your anxiety!

If I am completely honest, I still feel conflicted and that is OK and accept these emotions. I'm upset that it means I'm going graduate a year later and not with my friends. I do still question sometimes if I have made the right decision. BUT, on a good day, I realise if I had by some miracle managed to scrap through and pass, these thoughts and feelings would have come back to bite me at the some point, whether it would have been during my final placement or when I started working professionally, so I felt it was best to step away and get support now. I am somewhat feeling relief that I am finally going to be getting support as this will be the first time for me. I am intrigued to see what this support can do for me and how this may help me in the future. Some days I'm like, what is the point, what do I even want to do with my life, other days I'm optimistic and can't wait to get my anxiety under control so that I can fully go for everything that's destined for me and be the occupational therapist a envision and dream of.

I think it's important to recognise no one is optimistic and positive all the time, everyday, we're human! but its how these down days impact you and how often they occur that matters.

So what support am I getting you ask?

I referred myself to a wellbeing service in my local county through the NHS. I will leave the details below for anyone who may be interested in this. It was quick, free and simple to do. All you have to do is fill out an online questionnaire and then you will receive a call in a few days to arrange an over the phone assessment with a therapist. The phone assessment with therapist is around 45mins long and they will ask you a series of different questions and scenario's to get a better understanding of what you may be struggling with, they then call you back to offer you a treatment plan based on this. I have been offered Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) which is due to start in January 2021. I will be sharing my journey and experience with this along the way! I am very intrigued to start this and see what sort of impact it has.

There are also tons of self-help articles, resources and advice available online which may be of benefit to some of you, I will attach some of these below for you.

You may be wandering why I have chosen to share this with you; and it's because although you may not be going through the same events as me, you can still resonate with the thoughts and feelings I have been having. I have spent YEARS feeling alone and like no one understands me and what I'm going through, so therefore would try and suppress how I was really feeling. This probably contributed to why I became so overwhelmed and emotional. But I hope that sharing my personal journey and stories will help others to realise they are not alone and there are people out there that truly do understand how you're feeling and what it's like to cope with these thoughts and feelings

Tyra's Top Tips

• Listen to your body! - If you don't listen to your body and take time to rest and recharge, your body will find a way to force you to! There is nothing wrong with taking a day for yourself, to relax, to do what you enjoy, unwind, or do something fun! Don't take this for granted and don't feel guilty for doing so.

• Do what's best for YOU! - you know yourself better than anyone else does. And unfortunately people are going to form unwanted opinions regardless of what you do. So do what's best for you and your wellbeing. You do not owe anyone an explanation for doing what is best for yourself. I can't stress how important it is to put yourself first! it is not always easy to do but you will definitely thank yourself for it.

• Journal! - I mentioned this in previous posts and on my instagram, but writing down your thoughts and feelings is a great way to off load when you feel overwhelmed and can help you to make more sense of why you are feeling the way you do, which in turn can help people to support you accordingly

• Speak to someone you trust - The biggest thing I have learnt from this experience is that the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing, are not as uncommon as I thought! Most likely your friends and family will have your best interest at heart and will care more about you and if you're OK than anything else, and will want to support you. You are not a burden.

• Access self help resources online when you are overwhelmed.

• Mindfulness/Grounding techniques - breathing exercises, yoga and meditation are all great ways to help re-focus and calm yourself down when overwhelmed

• Breathe! You have got this and you WILL get through it.

Resources:

• https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/ - for self-referral to therapy services.

• https://www.recoverycollegeonline.co.uk/

• https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/moodzone-mental-wellbeing-audio-guides/